I’m going to be honest today… and this post is a little long. Bear with me.
The last few weeks have been tough. Look on my Instagram and you may not agree, but who wants to post sad-anxious type pictures? Not me! I’m all about “being real” on social media, but posting happy things makes ME happy so that’s what I do. Then, there’s days like this where I decide you need to see a different, less happy side, and you have to put up with a different kind of post.
While I have tried to be my normal positive self most of the time, some days it’s just too much. No matter how much I try to avoid it or push past it, the thoughts of having cancer and if what I am doing to fight it is enough consume me, constantly. 5 minutes cannot go by without me thinking of something negative about cancer.
To help, I’ve been really thinking about being present in where I am each day. Taking it one day at a time, sometimes even just one minute at a time, if that’s all I can do.
It reminds me of the Israelites and when they were given manna by God to eat everyday… literally “bread from Heaven.” Exodus 16, towards the very beginning of the Bible, if you’re interested in reading about it. They were instructed not to gather too much, but only enough to satisfy them for the day. Then, when they got to the Sabbath, enough to satisfy them for both days so they wouldn’t have to work on the Sabbath.
The Lord knows what I need and exactly when I need it. Sometimes I try to do it all on my own and I’m never successful. I need to remember that the Lord’s provision is enough and His timing is absolutely perfect.
I’ve been praying the Lord’s Prayer a lot lately. The church I’ve gone to since I moved to Atlanta is Anglican which is a huge difference from the Southern Baptist church that I went to growing up. I’ve come to appreciate its differences over the years, specifically the liturgical aspect and certain parts like praying the same prayers each week. I have especially found comfort in the Lord’s Prayer lately – specifically for the part of “Give us this day our daily bread.” Just like the Isreallites, the Lord knows what I need and He gives me just enough for today.
It makes me think of the verse in Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for today is its own trouble.”
I have enough to deal with today. I’ll be present in today, enjoy today, and not worry about the next. Easier said than done, but I’m sure trying!
Now I promised you surgery and life updates with a few prayer requests… here goes:
SURGERY – This will be my last surgery (hopefully forever!) dealing with cancer. They’ll be replacing my tissue expanders that I have in now with implants. Surgery will be on August 14th. I will not have to stay overnight and will be 1-2 hours rather than 5+ hours like the first surgery.
We are hoping and praying for a surgery cancellation for the week before, so I can have surgery the week of August 7th. August 14th is not an ideal date because Steven goes out of town shortly after, but it’s the earliest surgery date we could get. I am on the cancellation list, so we’re hope for a cancellation but if not its still ok!
POST SURGERY TREATMENT – The plan is to take Tamoxifen once my surgery is over and to be on it for 10 years. My oncologist did give me the green light to not start taking it so we could try to get pregnant then get on it after we have another baby. HUGE prayer answered!!! Steven and I are still unsure on what we are going to do… I think to myself, REALLY CARLY – you’re absolutely CRAZY. Here you were praying for this exact answer and now your doubting what you should do. I know it sounds crazy, but (there I got doubting again) it’s just a hard decision and I don’t really have a peace about either way, but then again will I ever? I don’t know. I feel like I’m more leaning with getting pregnant and trust that the Lord will provide because He has so far and with the oncologist giving me the go ahead to start trying, I figured thats my answer as clear as day (clear as day people), yet I’m still questioning it…. Every single day I have a different idea about what I think I should do and it changes constantly!
so thats it. excuse my commentary in the above paragraph – I added the extra parentheses and UPPERCASE words after re-reading it to help understand how ridiculous I am being. The Lord had clearly answered my prayers on what decision I should make, yet I’m still trying to decide what I should do. Just preaching to myself here. Funny how we ask God for answers and pray and the prayers are answered and we’re still sitting here wondering what to do. Is it just me?!?!? It’s ok, you’re totally allowed to roll your eyes at me. I would.
Anyway. Surgery on the 14th. Please pray for us, for my recovery, for Steven taking care of John, John’s transition to starting back “school” two days a week, and for us to all give each other and little grace and patience in the coming weeks. Toddler life, specifically ours right now, is tough but totally sweet and adorable all at the same time. I will never understand how its possible, but somehow they know just what to do to make you think your going to lose your mind and fill your heart with more love than you think you can possibly handle all at the same time. Bless it.
Love your people, give them all a little grace, and take it one day at a time… Lord, give us today our daily bread.
One more thing… in addition to being vegan, I am eating almost zero gluten (on a few rare occasions, I can’t resist), but I found it funny that manna is bread from heaven. Thankfully, the Lord doesn’t discriminate. The bread (in a non-literal sense…His provision) is for everyone, you and me, and even those who are gluten free 😉 I really didn’t mean for that to rhyme.