Nope, I'm not going to say… it pours. While I certainly have felt that way lately, I refuse to buy into the saying "when it rains, it pours."
Let me explain.
Disclaimer: its late and I have surgery at 11:00 tomorrow morning (Monday, Aug 14th). It should be a quick 1-2 hour surgery with (hopefully) minimal pain afterwards – not nearly as bad as last time. Thank you so much for so many of you joining in prayer for me during the past few months and for my upcoming surgery. I am so incredibly thankful! I hope you spend a few minutes reading this post – its long, they always are – but I think you may need to hear what I have to say. Whether its for you now, or maybe you'll need to hear it one day in the future or even just sharing it with a friend because maybe they need to hear it. I pray the Lord speaks to you because He loves you so very much.
We all know by now that I have… err had this thing called breast cancer. If you've been following along with past posts since around April, you will also know that I absolutely refuse to blame on God or sit on the pessimistic side of my situation. I also absolutely know that this situation, part of my life, blip on my radar happened so that God's work could be seen in my life. (Check out John 9:3)
I am not going to lie though, I have certainly felt like it has been "pouring" in the past week. However, knowing that I have a good and oh so gracious God on my side makes me certain that this past week wasn't just coincidence. It wasn't just another rough few days or more seemingly bad news, it was God's perfect timing. His way of showing me that when I want my own timeline, He knows the best one. Every single time.
Bad news, yes I mentioned bad news earlier. I was supposed to have my second reconstruction surgery last week. It is scheduled for tomorrow, but since April we have discussed having my surgery the week of August 8th. Then, a month ago it just so happened that my surgery never got scheduled and the earliest opening was tomorrow, August 14th. I kinda pitched a fit about it because the timing was just not good for our family with my husband having plans that have been in the works for years and being out of town towards the end of the month. Anyway, the 14th was the soonest we could get the surgery and I was 100% not happy about it. Until last week.
We have been going through a few tests for our 2 year old concerning his speech and hearing. This had previously been a concern when he was younger and we thought it was resolved. Well, long story short we ended up in the hospital last Tuesday morning so that he could have a test run to determine what he could and could not hear. If you're familiar with audiology, it was an ABR hearing test. He had to be sedated since it requires you to be completely still and quite. If you know any toddler, especially mine, you know that's just not possible while they're awake. We were terrified and it was nerve racking, but we were so thankful that by the grace of God we got a quick appointment to fit in the week before my surgery rather than waiting until after.
Almost an hour and a half later, we were sitting in the waiting room being told that our son had mild-moderate hearing loss in one ear and moderate-severe hearing loss in the other. His hearing won't get better, it may get worse, and he'll need hearing aids for the rest of his life. Whoa. That was a lot of information to take in on a Tuesday morning after we had been up since 4:30am to get to the hospital.
Maybe one day I'll talk more about my son and his hearing loss, but thats not my point today. My point is that while it could be the easiest thing to wallow in my misery… To be mad, to be angry, to be really darn frustrated. Not only am I dealing with cancer, but now I'm also dealing with my sweet baby having hearing loss – something that will affect him the rest of his life.
But what if you looked at a different perspective? What if you see that yes he has hearing loss – I'll acknowledge that it really sucks to get that news – but the timing of it. What if my surgery was last week? What if we wouldn't have been able to get an appointment so quickly? What if I wouldn't have prayed that the Lord give me a peace about whatever the results were from his test? Oh man did He by the way! The Lord is good in that way. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. His timing is perfect. He knew my surgery didn't need to be last week. He knew we needed to get these appointments done with our son. He knew it all and led the way last week and carried my husband and I through it. Y'ALL, it was not easy.
The Lord never once promised us that our lives would be easy, that we would live a carefree, problem-less life. (Is problem-less even a word? Sorry its late at night!) While He may have not promised an easy life, He did promise that He could carry us, take care of us, be with us until the one day when we join with him again. He did promise his provision and help through whatever we were going through. Just like I texted my husband a few days ago, I told him "The Lord is requiring us to lean into Him. We can participate in his joys and happiness in our life (because He does delight in us), but we also have to endure hardships and suffering."
Beth Moore mentions in her bible study, Entrusted, that we didn't sign up for persecutions and sufferings when we became followers of Christ, but "The paradox is this: if we never need rescuing, we'll never know the Rescuer." She goes on to say later on the same page (p.132) "Show me someone who deeply loves the Lord and I'll show you someone who has known his rescue."
I'm not here to wallow in my current life circumstances and beg and plead with the Lord and say why me. I won't. But what will I do? I will be that person who deeply loves the Lord and knows His rescue. I will. I absolutely refuse to be anything other than that.
I will praise Him. (Psalm 103:1)
I will lean in to His peace that passes all understanding. (Phil 4:7)
I will trust in His faithfulness. (Psalm 33:4)
I will cast all my cares on him because he cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)
I will believe that He began a good work in me and will bring it to completion. (Phil 1:6)
I will be rescued by the Lord and He will protect me. (Psalm 91:14)
As I finish typing this, I am crying- not sad tears, but thankful tears. Tears that are completely overwhelmed with how big God's love is for me. How he loves me (tiny little me on this big earth) SO MUCH that He's willing to rescue me. To allow me to invite him in to these hard times, to allow him to carry me through it. I hope that I can look back on all of this and truly know His rescue and see how He has carried me and my family through it because I certainly haven't made it this far on my own! My Heavenly Father loves me so much that he wants to carry these burdens for me. I don't even deserve it, yet He still is willing. Because he loves me that much and even let his one and only Son die on the Cross for me (and YOU too, friends – please talk to me about it if you're curious.). For my imperfect self, to rescue me.
Thanks be to God.
Lastly, because I love a good worship song and Christy Nockels is amazing. Here's a good listen, click here. ❤️