Dealing with cancer. Ugh.

This is what having to deal with cancer looks like…
days like this when you just want to curse it all and be mad and upset and angry that this is what you're having to deal with, that this is real, in your life right now.

That's how I feel today. No happy or hopeful thoughts, those will be back tomorrow I hope- but sitting here on the bathroom floor, at the beach, crying because I just hate it.

I'll never forget this one picture I have somewhere of my mom and me when she was super sick. We're both sitting on the couch while ugly crying and our faces are so red and teared up and just sad. Now, having cancer myself, I try to imagine how she did it. How she was so strong even when facing death. Here I am, not having to face death, and I'm a complete wreck.

Surgery was the hard part, the living with it after is even more tough. The thoughts, the worries, the endless to do lists of what I need or should be doing, that's the really HARD part. I know that she had these days, many more than I can even imagine I'm sure, and it's ok for me to have them too.

Even at the beach… on the bathroom floor… during naptime.

Not today Satan, not today. You're not welcome here, ever.

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